|Posted on December 19, 2020 at 12:05 AM|
Some of the things I’ve been fighting in my life have been pornography, cursing, alcohol…and just sobriety in general. As a Christian, I do have a struggle that I fight.
I was watching Bishop T.D. Jakes on Youtube, honestly reflecting on what resonated with me the most was the dying part of Christianity. I don't focus a lot on the dying part of Christianity. But I know that’s what Christianity is in its raw form. He reads in Romans chapter 7 in which ill summarize that it was Paul being thoughtful and transparent about the nature of man. Think duality, and he is reflecting on this dwelling bad in us, this evil, the sin in our nature. But however, peace with God he says, by faith we have a choice to walk clean. And he asks how do we live in this body sold to law of sin (flesh), but a mind sold to Christ? (spirit). If we’re in this dead body, how do we live therein? We get baptized, right? When we’re baptized it is a symbolism of us putting the old flesh away (which has been controlled my sin/fleshly desires) and our struggle to nail that dead body of ours on the cross.
This is about a struggle. Bishop T.D. Jakes goes into detail and talks about that struggle. It made me think of my own. I had to really think. Pornography, cursing, alcohol…and just sobriety in general. In our journey as Christians with this struggle who are we crucifying? (a question he asked that stuck with me). He gave a “Throne and Cross Perspective”…If you are on the throne, then Jesus is on the cross. But Jesus shouldn't be on the cross, he finished his part on the cross. If we’re self-enthroned by our sins, then we’re not struggling to hang our flesh on the cross and letting Jesus sit on our throne.
All this to say that I have to fight harder, I just haven’t been conscious enough to think and reflect and get better because it hasn't been effecting me in a huge way. But it has…I’ve been feeling empty lately, unconscious of God and it seems as though I’ve fallen in an automatic schedule daily accomplishing my diet/exercise/writing goals.
Considering the weight loss/cleansing journey I’ve been on I have to admit that not drinking alcohol or smoking has been hard, (getting up early has also been hard) I haven’t put a spot light on it until now, while watching Bishop T.D. Jakes. I guess watching it reminded me of who I Am and who I want to be. My goals are getting accomplished, and my boo says I inspire her… but how come I don’t feel inspired? Sometimes it even feel dreadful.
Maybe because I’m bored. I’ve been bored…
I want to see some results soon, so I will keep up with my diet and exercise…
I’ve drank 2X this month when I said I wasn’t going to drink at all. Luckily not alone (alone=overindulging=porn=guilt/defeat). One time was with my uncle—it was rare occasion! I had to pull out the drinks! Second time was with a friend who took me out to a late birthday dinner @ Sushi Delight. She said I could get whatever I wanted! So I did! I got Sake…(and they gave away another free, canned Sake to-go! So, we had two). I went beyond that and started making us more drinks…I could've stopped at the Sake.
But I didn’t struggle, unconscious, not spiritually sensitive, weak. I should fight harder. Why did I start all of this to get comfortable? I have to fight harder, I’ve just been bored.
Lord, help me to stay motivated, conscious and aware of the big picture…or what victory will I ever achieve? Victory with no struggle? Come on now…
The holidays are coming up…I know discipline is everything! I gotta fight harder. I’ve been DOING GOOD! But stay in the fight and fight harder. You gotta show them what you’re made of.